I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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