Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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