I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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