Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
