I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
