I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
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