Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
