Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
