I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
