He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
