Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
