you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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