I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
