she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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