Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
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he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.