I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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