I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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