I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
