Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
