all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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