Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
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