if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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