Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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