R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
