How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
