Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
