Fine. I'll sleep in my office
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
