Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
