I want to stick my p in your. b.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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