she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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