woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
two words...techno handjob
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
