DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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