So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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