Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
