Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
