Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
