I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
