Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
