you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
