On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am midnight drunk by noon
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
