Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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