Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
even my farts smell like vagina
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
