normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
