Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
