I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
