shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
