NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
