I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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