and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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