I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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