It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
