We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
