Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
