omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
