found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
