piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Your cock deserves a montage
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
