The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
