Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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