My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need to sanitize my soul.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
